On this particular occasion, the conversation turned to gun control. It could have been immigration, terrorism, police brutality, tax reform, health care... it could have been any number of issues currently up for debate.
Within a very short period of time, my former colleague had stood up from the table and walked away while scoffing,
"You don't listen to anyone, there's no point talking to you."
I was in shock. Wasn't I listening though? Weren't we having an informed debate? No, we weren't. Because his points seemed ill-founded, and I wasn't leaving any room for discussion. Because every time I spoke, I was trying to change his mind, and every time I stayed quiet, I was silently constructing arguments in my head to reinforce why I was right and he was wrong. If I'm honest with myself, I have had a number of conversations like this in my life...
This inability to listen to one another is the biggest issue we're facing in the US today.
In peace times, liberals and conservatives are able to co-exist comfortably all the while clinging tightly to their contradictory beliefs. This comfortable diversity of opinion is not possible during war times, when people are feeling threatened: when one side is, or perceives themselves to be, under attack by another side.
I've learned about this dynamic during my years studying conflict. I've understood about "us" versus "them" mentalities, and I've watched societies work tirelessly to overcome them. In my experience, it's easier to breakdown barriers when they exist over there.
Facing these deep divides personally, in my own family, in my own neighborhood, in my own country, is more difficult. Even though there is something deeply humbling about looking into my own prejudice and bias, it's still a challenge each and every time.
With that said, I would like to try. So here it goes...
Recently, I have been attempting to engage the "other" side. I've been reading and listening to tweets, blog articles, and interviews as well as participating in conversations with conservatives. I have spent a lot of time reading, repeating, re-tweeting, and celebrating views similar to my own over the past 1+ year (really the past nearly 30 years), so this has been a significant change.
Engaging with ideas that are so wholly contradictory to my own is not comfortable but it is absolutely essential; not because I'm trying to find new ways to deconstruct and combat "other" points of view, but because I'm trying to understand where people are coming from so that we can find some common ground to relate to one another. Although I cannot always find ways to agree with the politics, I can usually find some way to connect with the person.
Humor has been a really key element in finding common ground. I've come across some seriously witty and dry humor from our conservative fellow Americans, and it has helped me to build connections with people across the political divide.
From laughter comes connection and from connection comes respect, and with respect we can begin having more meaningful conversations. Conversations with multiple sides, where we listen to each other and empathize with how people think and feel.
My dad would call this "human being stuff" and up until now in my life, I took it completely for granted. But in the past year, I have seen such a polarization of our society and dehumanization of the "other" that I feel the need to employ my peace-building knowledge in any way I know how.
I want to make it clear that I am still deeply committed to liberal values and the political causes that are near and dear to my heart. I am also part of the growing resistance against President Trump. However, I know there is a difference between Trump and his followers. And I know that without 30% of our country (who support Trump) and better still, without 50% of our country (who vote in line with conservative values) there is no progress to be made.
Regardless of the sides we've been forced to take, I know that when we stop hurling pre-constructed arguments at one another, we will find we have more common ground than we ever knew.
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